A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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