I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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