Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize