I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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