He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
