There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
