I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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