Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
