Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
