walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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