Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
