I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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