My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
