I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
