i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
