my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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