My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize