Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am available for nakedness
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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