the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
