I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my being single is dangerous.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
