i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
