I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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