did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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