im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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