Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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