It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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