My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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