I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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