3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
