A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Success! We fucked roommates!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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