Slut skills are useful in every country.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
