according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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