Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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