ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
