Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
