Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
