He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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