i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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