Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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