Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
vagina is talking i cant
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
