I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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