Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
