I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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