maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
