I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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