I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
