A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
