if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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