remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
