Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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