RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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