I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
