On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
