Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
