this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
