____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
