So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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